Golden Rules For Finding Your Life Partner

Relationship coach, Rabbi Dov Heller, M. A., lays out his 5 golden rules for evaluating the prospects of long-term success. When it comes to making the decision about choosing a life partner, no one wants to make a mistake. Yet, with a divorce rate of close to 50 percent, it appears that many are making serious mistakes in their approach to finding Mr/Ms Right! If you ask most couples who are engaged why they’re getting married, they’ll say: “We’re in love.” I believe this is the #1 mistake people make when they date.

Choosing a life partner should never be based on love (alone).Though this may sound not politically correct, there’s a profound truth here. Love (alone) is not the basis for getting married. Rather, love is the result of a good marriage. When the other ingredients are right, then the love will come. Let me say it again: You can’t build a lifetime relationship on love alone. You need a lot more.

Here are five questions you must ask yourself if you’re serious about finding and keeping a life partner.

QUESTION #1:

Do we share a common life purpose?
Why is this so important?

Let me put it this way: If you’re married for 20 or 30 years, that’s a long time to live with someone. What do you plan to do with each other all that time? Travel, eat and jog together? You need to share something deeper and more meaningful. You need a common life purpose. Two things can happen in a marriage. You can grow together, or you can grow apart. Fifty percent of the people out there are growing apart. To make a marriage work, you need to know what you want out of life bottom line – and marry someone who wants the same thing.

QUESTION #2:

Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and thoughts with this person?

This question goes to the core of the quality of your relationship. Feeling safe means you can communicate openly with this person. The basis of having good communication is trust i.e. trust that I won’t get “punished” or hurt for expressing my honest thoughts and feelings. A colleague of mine defines an abusive person as someone with whom you feel afraid to express your thoughts and feelings. Be honest with yourself on this one. Make sure you feel emotionally safe with the person you plan to marry.

QUESTION #3:

Is he/she a mensch?  A mensch is someone who is a refined and sensitive person.
How can you test?

Here are some suggestions:

Do they work on personal growth on a regular basis?
Are they serious about improving themselves?

A teacher of mine defines a good person as “someone who is always striving to be good and do the right thing.”

So ask about your significant other:

What do they do with their time?
Is this person materialistic?

Usually a materialistic person is not someone whose top priority is character refinement. There are essentially two types of people in the world: People who are dedicated to personal growth and people who are dedicated to seeking comfort. Someone whose goal in life is to be comfortable will put personal comfort ahead of doing the right thing. You need to know that before walking down the aisle.

QUESTION #4:

How does he/she treat other people?

The one most important thing that makes any relationship work is the ability to give. By giving, we mean the ability to give another person pleasure.

Ask: Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to others or are they wrapped up themselves and self-absorbed? To measure this, think about the following:

1) How do they treat people whom they do not have to be nice to, such as a waiters, bus boy, taxi driver
    etc?
2) How do they treat parents and siblings?
3) Do they have gratitude and appreciation?
4) Do they show respect?

If they don’t have gratitude for the people who have given them everything, you cannot expect that they’ll have gratitude for you - who can’t do nearly as much for them!

Do they gossip and speak badly about others?

Someone who gossips cannot be someone who loves others. You can be sure that someone who treats others poorly will eventually treat you poorly as well.

QUESTION #5:

Is there anything I’m hoping to change about this person after we’re married?

Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone with the intention of trying to “improve” them after they’re married. As a colleague of mine puts it, “You can probably expect someone to change after marriage... for the worse!” If you cannot fully accept this person the way they are now, then you are not ready to marry them.

In conclusion, dating doesn’t have to be difficult and treacherous. The key is to try leading a little more with your head and less with your heart. It pays to be as objective as possible when you are dating, to be sure to ask questions that will help you get to the key issues. Falling in love is a great feeling but when you wake up with a ring on your finger, you don’t want to find yourself in trouble because you didn’t do your homework.

“When A Person’s Temper Gets The Best Of Him, It Reveals The Worst Of Him.“

Thoughts!

Most of my young adult life, I sought after riches, fame and love.  I thought I found love but the others were always beyond my reach.  I’d gain a little and lost some but never considered myself successful.  I’ve even lost relationships because they felt I wasn’t making enough money or showed enough material gain for them, even my love wasn’t considered loyal enough.  It becomes a challenge when you think you’re always being tested.  In the process, I realized that I was blessed that even though I didn’t always have what I wanted, but I didn’t lack for anything I needed.  I was always contented but still tried to grab the brass ring.  I’ve seen enough of those that were considered “successful” struggled so much that they never had time to sit back and enjoy their results.  They wanted more.  Some laid awake in the middle of the night wondering and hoping that they’ll make the payments on the eye candy that were being shown to the public.  Yes, they left me because I wasn’t making the money they wanted, but my God, my God, He never left me.  And I am still happy!  It just goes to show you that the standards of success are in the eyes of the beholder.  I’ve been searching for the wrong things.  As a young man, my faith was in what I could do.  I limited myself because it was not enough.  Young people should seek wisdom and understanding while they are still young.  Faith and patience will follow!  Remember that your faith in God will accept the fact that you are where He wants you to be.  So be patient and faithful, God will never leave you.  It is still never too late to develop faith. God is good all of the time!

Suit Up!!!

Times are getting tougher every day!  People are literally getting hostile.  Look around you, they are mean, frustrated, and uncivil.  Our politicians, religious leaders, radio celebrities, and TV personalities can insult you, apologize, and still mean what they originally said.  This country has become a nation of fear and hate and the loudest voices, though a minority is being heard the most.  Get your suit of armor on, people.  Election draws near and the candidates that we have to choose are questionable.  Some of them do not have the American interests at heart but they say they hear the peoples’ voices.  We might be going back in time, folks.  State’s rights will take away some civil rights and if we think times are bad now, if some appeals and repeals are made and accepted, we haven’t seen anything, yet.  Forget about jobs, public safety, and all social programs.  America is prepared to raise some of the most uneducated people in the world.  And some of our leaders prefer keeping us dumb, anyway.  Then we won’t be able to see through their lies.  Put on the suit of righteousness and pray that we listen the Holy Comforter words.  We need help and right now its all about getting rich off of somebody else.  Big businesses got these politicians in their pockets and they will lie, cheat and steal to keep it.

Heartaches & Headaches!!!

Heartaches & headaches,

I refuse to be the cause.

Listening to friends’ wrong advice

sometimes carry a lying noise.

We can work out our own

problems, if we truly care.

It’s up to you to believe

the envy that they bare.

So we’ll go our separate ways,

I won’t hold you back.

I wish you God’s blessing

that you receive all things good

whenever you ask.

   "A Part of Things"

      Ejothian S. Litman

Team Tisha

Love Shouldn't Hurt

Stand Up Against Domestic Violence

This past Saturday morning, I walked at The Mayor’s Walk Against Domestic Violence.  I was invited by a very, very, special friend to walk with her sister and their friends for this worthy cause.  Criminal Domestic Violence doesn’t get a lot of attention until it affects home still it doesn’t receive enough media coverage it deserves.  It was remarkable to look over the sea of smiling, energetic, beautiful faces that many of these beautiful women had been abused at one time or another in their lives.  For all I know, some of them are still being abused but were there to support their sisters.  Just observing their actions, I would have never believed that some of these ladies suffered so much by the hands of a man who said that he loved them. There were men and sons present, too.  I don’t know what it takes to leave an abusive relationship but I believe it worth doing.  Talk to someone, find some organization that can help you leave safely.  There was a son who attended the walk and recently witnessed the death of his mother had over a hundred supporters that held him up.  Everyone whatever the reason, they were there at least to support the loved ones in their lives, at least I was.  Abuse, physical, verbal, emotional, and even spiritual crosses all lives, genders, races, and ages.  It destroys and leaves on some people a permanent imprint of distrust and unwillingness to love again.  My friend’s sister, Sharon, wrote a sad, detailed and poignant article titled “It Should Take A Village:  Criminal Domestic Violence And The African American Community.”  Sharon speaks quite candid of how domestic violence took the life of her brother and how it reared its ugly head in her own life.  This is an article worth reading!  It’s published in the Midlands Live, October 2010 Edition.  One major point worth discussing is that in the state of South Carolina, “Domestic Violence is a misdemeanor while chicken fighting is a felony.”  How ironic that the life of a human being has less worth than an animal!  Is it any wonder why our politicians are more concerned about big money organizations than the citizens of this state?  Yet, they say they hear the people.  Which people are they listening to?  The Attorney General of South Carolina is making a concerted effort to train law enforcement officers, judges, attorneys and victim advocates on Criminal Domestic Violence.  This program is called Services Training Officers and Prosecutors (S.T.O.P.).   I learned quite a lot about CDV writing this entry.  Maybe, not enough.  I want to thank Sharon for the certificate and T-Shirt, you didn’t have to do it.  This walk was something I wanted to do.  I appreciate your thoughtfulness.  Pray my brothers and sisters for each other so that we can have a better respect for each others’ values.